Ten Resiliency Practices When Dealing With Loss – part 1

Fourteen months has now passed since my wife Vicky breathed her last after a short battle with kidney cancer. We became aware that the back pain Vicky had from the beginning of 2020 was in fact kidney cancer. That news hit us hard in March of 2020 and her death hit me even harder when it happened on May 14, 2020.

During those early weeks and months of grief, I learned so much about myself and about what makes for a healthy grief journey. I became a student of grief and did all I could to learn and navigate this most difficult loss of my life.

One of the insights I saw in a new way was the importance of resiliency when dealing with loss. I new it was important when dealing with trauma and adversity but Vicky’s death took it to a whole new level.

I’ve watch people bowled over by grief while others grow through it. Some have gotten stuck, while others recovered and got on with their lives.

As I travel this journey of grief, my relationship with grief today is vastly different from what it was in the first few months. But all throughout, I’ve seen resiliency as building blocks for healthy and thorough grief.

The First Three Resiliency Practices When Dealing With Loss (3 of 10)

1. Adopt a positive attitude

In this three part series, I share some things I’ve been learning by experience and from others. Regardless of the type of loss you are experiencing, storm you’re going through or transition you’re in the middle of, the stronger your resiliency muscles are the better equipped you’ll be to live well.

Optimism goes hand in hand with resiliency. Some seem to be more naturally positive but it can also be learned over time. Our genetic makeup is not our destiny.

Optimism is about seeing the gift or opportunity in the adversity. Unbridled or unrealistic optimism is never helpful and will get you into trouble. An optimistic person confronts the brutal facts, appraises the situation, but simultaneously believes they will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties.

When Vicky died, I believed I would heal but refused to put a time line on it or try to guess my grief journey would play out. There were deeply dark days but also high points along the journey.

2. Practice Mental Adaptability

The more flexible you are in your thinking, the more resilient you will become. This is all about mentally reappraising your situation as things change. Traumatic experiences can be reevaluated by altering the perceived value and meaning of that experience.

The benefits you receive during times of stress and trauma can be found by reframing, assimilating, and accepting while you recover. Failure can be a tool for growth. One acronym for FAIL is First Attempt In Learning.

At times during my grieving journey, I would end up being too isolated because I just wanted to be left alone. What I was missing was the verbal processing needed to get outside my head and alter the meaning I was making.

3. Embrace a personal moral compass

Resiliency is connected to the ability to develop and maintain a set of core beliefs. These core beliefs provide a foundation you can stand on when everything is shaking all around you.

These beliefs can be rooted in your spiritual beliefs or some other belief system. Values you know and hold on to can keep you steady during times of loss and grief.

When I think of my moral compass during adversity and loss, I go to my belief that accepts suffering and adversity as part of life. I also see the world as broken and a place where sickness, accidents, tragic events are part of the human experience. I’m not surprised when bad things happen and that helps me.

Final thought

Whether you’ve lost a dream, lost a job, lost a relationship, lost a loved one, or lost your freedom due to aging, what can you do today to exercise your resiliency?

You might choose to focus on the positive or adapt your routine to fit a new reality or adjust your moral compass to view adversity as a gift or opportunity. Whatever your situation, may you learn to use your resiliency muscles and in turn reduce your stress ever so slightly.

NOTE: Next week will be part 2.

*Source: I used the research of Dennis Charney and Steve Southwick, who are experts in the area of the neurobiology of resilience and its relationship to stress, to guide and inspire these words.